Sunlight

Sunlight streams in signaling the beginning of a new day.

Every day is the same

You are everything to me and I bound myself to you

I made the links myself, locked the locks, and threw away the key

I wanted freedom, but chose chains

Naively bound by doing what is “right”

My heart screams, “This was not supposed to be your life”

It wails and the chains tighten and pinch choking the little that’s left of me.

I found the key and while I want desperately to release these bonds

I can’t do it.

Guilt consumes me for even thinking it

So many other lives tightly intertwined with my own

The broken links would rip them apart, all for my own selfish happiness.

Everyday is the same

Sunlight streams in signaling the beginning of a new day.

-Clary

photography © 2013 CMB Clary

Excerpt – Antony

The rain poured relentlessly as Antony rushed through the cabin door passed the messenger. His heart pounded in anticipation and teemed with joy over the news.  Completely absorbed by thoughts of holding his first child and kissing his wife, he hadn’t realized he’d forgotten to wear a coat. The sound of thunder rolled out of the sky and the wind blew furiously around him, but nothing could dampen the happiness of seeing his wife and child. He quickly trudged down the muddied path, his large boots  making deep impressions the entire way. Antony finally reached the cabin, and opened the door in one fluid motion with a euphoric smile splashed across his face. The cabin was oddly quiet.

“They must be resting” he thought as he reached the door to Liera’s room and turned the knob. He entered quietly turning back to face the door as he closed it softly behind him.

“Antony?” Miriam gasped, her voice barely audible

“Are they sleeping?” He whispered still smiling and not looking at Miriam or the midwife. He turned toward Liera’s bed, the joy still emanating from his eyes, but as he turned to look at her, his eyes could not accept what was before him. Sprawled across blood stained linens lay Liera. Her once bright eyes now a cold dim stare, rosy lips tinged a faint blue, and her left arm hung ever so delicately and pale over the side of  the bed. Antony shook his head in disbelief as his stomach twisted inside him making every breath feel impossible.

“This can not be,” he raised a hand to his mouth.

Rushing to kneel by her side he took her hand in his own. Tears flowed relentlessly as he rubbed the back of her hand against his face trying to feel her warmth again and sobs filled the room as reality brimmed over. There was no warmth left. Everything that was her had fallen away, and all that remained was an abandoned form shadowing her likeness and completely void of life.

“Why?” the words came out in a sharp drawn breath, tears streamed down his cheeks. His entire body shook and wept in despair. “WHY_____?” he bellowed this time his voice vicious and raw with an anger, and regret that made the mid wife and Miriam burst into a bewailing of sobs.

He tried to wipe the tears that now flowed freely from his eyes, as he gathered himself to stand.

“My child?” he sniffed,” Where is my child, Miriam? His eyes searched the room and returned to meet Miriam’s hollow gaze. She couldn’t respond as she burst into uncontrollable wails.

“Please Miriam,” he walked toward her with a glimpse of hope in his eyes, “Please, he said again, as if asking nicely would allow her to return everything taken from him, “I would very much like to hold our child, he continued.

“But my lord…” she replied between sobs “The child… 

“Yes, my child. Where is he, Miriam,” his eyes searching hers?

“The child my lord… was born without breath,” she dissolved into tears once again.

Pain rippled over him washing him of all hope. The room narrowed as he reached for the door and made his way through the cabin in complete torment staggering out into the pouring rain. Despair crushed him from above with the weight of his loss  and he fell to his knees clutching his hair with both hands and dispelling his anguish completely “No_____. no” he collapsed, tears and rain mixing together in a coupling of agony and sorrow.

-Clary

Joy

© 2020 CMBClary

Longing to feel joy again

Does sorrow ever take a rest?

Control emotions with behest.

Breathe the air, with weightless chest.

To feel again even in brief

No more tears of pain and grief.

No tangled rage and disbelief. 

Or shattered remnants, just relief

I long to one day smile again.

Does every heart deserve to mend?

Bind up wounds and sorrowed rend.

Undo wrongs and make amends.

To go back now, impossible

No virtuous deeds, no words extol.

No more forgiveness for this soul.

Or simple words meant to console.

So I will sit in unsought sorrow

And pray that joy will come tomorrow.

-Clary

Carry On

© 2020 CMBClary

Memories brim at every corner of my mind.

A heavy stone in my chest,

A lump in my throat, but,

I carry on.

What else is there?

Just tasks.

All the things no one else will do,

They wait for me.

And while my heart is a still ache,

I carry on.

That’s what’s expected of me.

Just another day

All the hours clambering.

To what end?

And while we all expire, it remains a mystery, but

We carry on.

– Clary

Merry Christmas!

As Christmas Eve falls upon us again and we each repeat our holiday traditions. (Some of us in a not so jolly disposition) Take a moment to stop, take a breath, and take it all in. Remember those you love, those who couldn’t make it for a visit, and those no longer with us. These are the days that will become memories. Those little babes in diapers will grow up and have babes of their own. One day you will no longer be able to pick up those tiny bodies and dangling limbs and whisk them off to bed. One day you will sing them a final lullaby, until they tell you they no longer need your sweet serenades to fall asleep. One day those tiny hands and sticky fingers will no longer fit inside yours. So, in those moments of frustration that come with the holidays take a moment to see how blessed you are. Tell your parents how much they are loved. Kiss your babies sweet little faces and enjoy their bright eyes of wonder this holiday season. Time changes ALL things. Savor it! Above all else thank God for all He does and gives!

A very Merry Christmas and Blessed New Year Friends!!!

-Clary

Pet -A Funny Rhyme or Two

I want to keep you as a pet
To come to me at my behest
To dream of me all the day long
To be here at my beckon call

I want to keep you as a pet
To laugh at my comedic fret
To clean my house and smile at me
To be whatever I ask you to be

I want to keep you as a pet
To work and pay off all my debt
To massage me twice a day
And not expect me to repay

So what if they’re absurdities, ridiculous as they may seem
O’ come on boys, a girl can dream.

-Clary

Cold Winter Day

©2017 C. Clary

When winter dew kisses the earth,

My fatigued soul will long for mirth.

Frigid reminder of what could have been.

A constant pain from deep within.

My body aching, searching for yours.

To touch would be the cause of wars.

To kiss those silken lips so sweet.

To love you with unbridled heat.

But all will end in travesty,

For we both know my history.

There is a heavy price to pay,

For a love that bloomed one cold winter day.

– Clary

The End

It’s over now.

I ripped you from my life.

You were woven in so tightly for so long.

I didn’t think I could hold it together without you there.

I didn’t think I’d survive it.

I miss you at times.

We were best friends.

I thought by some miracle we still would be,

But I don’t know you anymore.

What has passed is always faded by what is present.

I left you.

I knew you would move on,

I knew you’d be okay without me.

Sometimes I question if I did the right thing,

But I was miserable.

I went over all the reasons,

All the, “what if’s”.

It just wasn’t enough.

It never would have been enough.

You weren’t enough.

And I guess that’s wrong of me to say.

After fifteen years without saying it.

It’s crowded here in my head.

My mind and heart battle each other.

I find myself alone without direction.

Yet somehow,

Life finally makes sense.

– Clary

Uninspired

©2019 CMBClary

The vibration of the washer through the wall makes the bed ripple beneath me. My thoughts scatter like shredded paper and I struggle to pick them up and make something coherent of them. All the want of being alone, when I finally am, the desire to produce eludes me. A slight ringing in my ear reminds me these moments are few and far between, like the buzzing of a timer. But I’ve lost interest, in this paper, in writing, in speaking, or creating anything of worth. So I sit here in my silence waiting, pleading, hoping, inspiration will find its way to me again.

-Clary